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Unc Medical Corner

Condition No. 1

The Bladder Situation

Every sneeze is a gamble. Every pothole is a threat. Laughing too hard? Forget about it. The body just does what it wants now and gives zero warning.

Always know where the nearest bathroom is. Always. No exceptions. Not even close ones.

Condition No. 2

The Back. Oh, The Back.

Bent down to pick up the TV remote. Now it's been 20 minutes and a full spiritual journey. Getting up from the couch is a three-phase operation requiring planning.

Never admit how it happened. Standard answer: "I was moving furniture."

Condition No. 3

Headache Season

Too much sun. Too much noise. The kids' music. That WiFi router. The new remote. Prices at the store. Everything is a headache trigger at this point.

Aspirin, news off, curtains closed, nap. That is the only known cure.

What Unc Does All Day

01Checks weather even though he's staying inside

02Fixes something that wasn't broken

03Stands next to the grill looking wise

04Washes the car for the third time this week

05Watches the same channel since 1998

06Gives unsolicited advice to everyone nearby

07Holds a cold one while doing nothing

08Watches what the neighbors are doing

09Complains about prices at the store

10Naps. Denies napping. Naps again.

11Wears cargo shorts regardless of season

12Calls someone to ask how email works

13Pisses pants a little. Doesn't mention it.

14Reads the newspaper front to back, very slowly

"Back in my day we didn't have back pain. We just had backs. And we liked it."

Unc — on the driveway — 10am Tuesday

Unc's Recipe Book

No measurements are exact. Unc cooks by feel and by smell.

Grill Classic

The Perfect Smash Burger

Prep: 10 min · Cook: 8 min · Serves: 4

No fancy nonsense. Just meat, heat, and a good press. The kind of burger that made this country what it is.

Ingredients1 lb ground beef 80/20, 4 brioche buns, 4 slices American cheese, salt, pepper, 1 white onion sliced thin, pickles, ketchup, mustard

MethodRoll beef into 4 balls. Get the flat top screaming hot. Smash each ball flat with a heavy spatula. Season with salt and pepper. Cook 2 minutes. Flip, add cheese, cover 1 minute. Bun. Onion. Pickle. Done.

Unc says: "If you need a recipe for a burger you already lost."

Sunday Special

Slow Ribs, No Rush

Prep: 20 min · Cook: 5 hrs · Serves: 6

Low and slow. That's how Unc does ribs and how Unc does life. Set it up in the morning, eat by sundown.

Ingredients2 racks baby back ribs, brown sugar, paprika, garlic powder, onion powder, cayenne, black pepper, salt, apple cider vinegar, your favorite BBQ sauce

MethodMix dry rub: brown sugar, paprika, garlic, onion, cayenne, pepper, salt. Remove membrane from ribs. Rub generously on both sides. Wrap in foil with a splash of vinegar. Oven at 275 for 4 hours. Unwrap, brush BBQ sauce, broil 5 minutes until sticky. Rest 10 minutes. Cut between bones.

Unc says: "If you're checking on them every 20 minutes, you don't trust the process."

Breakfast

The Hangover Scramble

Prep: 5 min · Cook: 10 min · Serves: 2

For the morning after the barbecue. When you need eggs, carbs, and zero judgment.

Ingredients6 eggs, 4 strips bacon, 2 slices bread, butter, shredded cheese, hot sauce, salt, pepper

MethodFry bacon crispy. Remove, keep the fat in the pan. Crack eggs into the bacon fat. Scramble low and slow, push gently. Add cheese at the end. Toast bread in butter. Crumble bacon on top. Hot sauce. Eat in silence.

Unc says: "Don't talk to me until I finish this plate."

Side Dish

Garage Coleslaw

Prep: 15 min · Chill: 1 hr · Serves: 8

Made in the garage on a folding table. Secret ingredient is patience and mayo. Lots of mayo.

Ingredients1 head green cabbage shredded, 2 carrots grated, 1 cup mayo, 2 tbsp apple cider vinegar, 1 tbsp sugar, salt, pepper, celery seed

MethodShred cabbage thin. Grate carrots. Mix mayo, vinegar, sugar, salt, pepper, celery seed in a bowl. Toss everything together. Refrigerate at least 1 hour. Toss again before serving. Tastes better the next day but it never lasts that long.

Unc says: "My coleslaw has won arguments."

Grill Classic

Beer Can Chicken

Prep: 15 min · Cook: 1.5 hrs · Serves: 4

A whole chicken sitting on a beer can. Looks ridiculous. Tastes legendary. The beer steams from the inside out.

Ingredients1 whole chicken (4 lbs), 1 can of beer half full, olive oil, paprika, garlic powder, onion powder, brown sugar, salt, pepper, cayenne

MethodMix all spices into a dry rub. Rub chicken with oil then coat in spice mix, inside and out. Open the beer, drink half. Slide chicken onto the can so it sits upright. Grill indirect heat 350 degrees for 1.5 hours until thigh hits 165. Let rest 15 minutes. Remove can carefully. Carve.

Unc says: "Yes you have to drink the other half. That's the cook's tax."

Snack

Driveway Nachos

Prep: 5 min · Cook: 12 min · Serves: 4

Built on a sheet pan. Eaten standing up. Usually while watching something in the driveway.

Ingredients1 bag tortilla chips, 2 cups shredded cheddar, 1 can black beans drained, pickled jalapenos, sour cream, salsa, green onions

MethodLayer chips on sheet pan. Scatter beans and jalapenos. Cover with cheese. Oven 400 degrees for 10-12 minutes until cheese is melted and edges are crispy. Top with sour cream, salsa, green onions. Eat directly off the pan like a civilized person.

Unc says: "The pan is the plate. Don't overcomplicate things."

Catch of the Day

Pan-Fried Lake Fish

Prep: 10 min · Cook: 8 min · Serves: 2

Caught it this morning. Cleaning it was the hard part. Cooking it is the reward.

Ingredients2 fresh fish fillets (bass, walleye, or trout), flour, cornmeal, salt, pepper, garlic powder, butter, lemon, fresh parsley

MethodMix flour, cornmeal, salt, pepper, garlic powder. Pat fish dry. Dredge in flour mix. Melt butter in cast iron on medium-high. Fry fillets 3-4 minutes per side until golden and flaky. Squeeze lemon. Sprinkle parsley. Eat immediately.

Unc says: "If you didn't catch it yourself, it's just fish. This is a trophy."

Dessert

Campfire S'mores Dip

Prep: 5 min · Cook: 10 min · Serves: 6

For when Unc wants to impress the kids and pretend he's not eating most of it himself.

Ingredients2 cups chocolate chips, 1 bag mini marshmallows, graham crackers for dipping, cast iron skillet

MethodSpread chocolate chips in cast iron. Top with marshmallows edge to edge. Oven 450 degrees for 8-10 minutes until marshmallows are golden and puffy. Serve immediately with graham crackers. Fight the kids for the crispy edges.

Unc says: "I made this for the children. The children are me."

"If you can't cook it on a grill or in a cast iron, it's not worth cooking."

Unc — in the garage — Saturday afternoon

Unc's Repair Manual

Don't call a guy. Be the guy. Unless it's electrical. Then call a guy.

Wobbly Chair

The chair rocks. Somebody always picks the bad one.

Flip it over. Find the short leg. Glue a small piece of felt or cork to the bottom. If it's a loose joint, pull the leg out, apply wood glue, clamp it overnight. If you don't have a clamp, wrap it tight with a ratchet strap. Let it cure 24 hours. Do not sit in it while it dries no matter how impatient you are.

Tools: wood glue, clamp or strap, felt pads, sandpaper

Drawer That Won't Close

Keeps sticking halfway. Wife has mentioned it 14 times.

Pull the drawer all the way out. Check the slides for debris, sawdust, or a lost pen. Wipe the runners clean. Rub a candle or bar of soap along the wooden slides for smooth action. If the slides are bent metal, straighten with pliers. If the bottom panel is sagging, flip it or reinforce with a thin plywood piece glued underneath.

Tools: pliers, candle wax or soap, cloth, thin plywood, wood glue

III

Scratched Table Top

Somebody put a hot pan on the good table. Again.

Light scratches: rub a walnut over them, the oil fills the scratch and darkens it. Medium scratches: sand lightly with 220-grit along the grain, apply matching wood stain with a cotton rag, let dry, seal with polyurethane. Deep gouges: fill with wood filler, let harden, sand flush, stain to match. Use coasters next time.

Tools: sandpaper 220-grit, wood stain, polyurethane, wood filler, cotton rags

Squeaky Door Hinge

Everyone in the house knows when you open the fridge at 2am.

Open the door. Lift the hinge pin out by tapping from underneath with a nail and hammer. Coat the pin with white lithium grease or WD-40 in a pinch. Slide it back in. Open and close a few times to work it in. Wipe the excess. Silence. If the pin won't come out, spray lubricant directly into the hinge gap and work the door back and forth.

Tools: hammer, nail, white lithium grease or WD-40, rag

Loose Cabinet Door

Hangs crooked. Makes the whole kitchen look tired.

Open the door. Tighten the hinge screws with a screwdriver. If the screws spin freely, the holes are stripped. Remove the screws, fill the holes with wooden toothpicks dipped in wood glue, snap them off flush, let dry 30 minutes, then re-drive the screws. The toothpicks give the screws something to grab. Works every time.

Tools: screwdriver, wood glue, toothpicks, patience

Shelf That's Pulling Away From the Wall

The weight of 40 years of books finally won.

Remove everything from the shelf. Unscrew it from the wall. You'll probably find it was anchored into drywall only, no stud. Fill old holes with spackle. Find the studs with a stud finder or by knocking. Mark them. Pre-drill new holes into the studs. Re-mount with 3-inch wood screws. Load it back up. It's not going anywhere this time.

Tools: stud finder, drill, 3-inch screws, spackle, level

Do not skip the stud finder step. Drywall anchors have limits. Gravity does not.

"I fixed it. Don't ask how. Don't touch it. It's fixed."

Unc — standing over the kitchen sink — Sunday 3pm

Unc's Fishing Log

Field reports from the water. Every fish story is true until proven otherwise.

April 12, 2026 · Lake Wawasee, Indiana

Got Up at 4am. Worth Every Minute.

Alarm went off at 3:45. Coffee was ready because I set the timer last night like a professional. On the water by 5:15. Mist on the lake. Not a single other boat. This is what it's all about.

Started with a chartreuse spinner near the weed line. Nothing for 45 minutes. Switched to a jig and crawled it along the bottom near a submerged log I've been eyeing all spring. Third cast. Boom. Largemouth. Solid 4-pounder. Fought hard, jumped twice. Released her back. She earned it.

Caught three more smallmouth before 9am. Two keepers. Back at the house by 10. Cleaned the fish in the garage. Pan-fried them for lunch. Best meal I've had in weeks and it cost me nothing but gas and patience.

4Fish caught

4.2 lbsBiggest catch

5:15amFirst cast

JigWinning lure

March 29, 2026 · Cedar Creek, Virginia

The One That Got Away (I'm Not Making It Up This Time)

Drove two hours to hit the creek before trout season gets crowded. Parked where I always park. Walked downstream to the deep bend where the water slows down and the big ones like to sit.

Used a size 12 nymph under an indicator. Felt the line tighten after about 20 minutes. Set the hook. Whatever was on the other end did not appreciate it. The rod bent double. Line screamed off the reel. I saw the flash, it was a brown trout, easily 22 inches. Maybe more. I'll say 24 because nobody can prove otherwise.

Ran me downstream, wrapped around a rock, and snapped the tippet. Gone. Stood there staring at the water for a solid five minutes. Drove home in silence. I'll be back next Saturday.

1Fish hooked

0Fish landed

~24 inEstimated size

NymphLure used

March 15, 2026 · Lake Fork, Texas

Annual Trip with the Boys. Nobody Got Hurt.

Third year in a row doing the Lake Fork trip with Gary, Phil, and Big Mike. Rented the same cabin. Same boat. Gary brought too much beer again. Phil forgot sunscreen again. Some things never change and that's the whole point.

Fished from sunrise to sunset for three days straight. Threw everything in the tackle box. Crankbaits in the morning, soft plastics midday, topwater at dusk. The bass were stacked on brush piles in 12-15 feet. Once we found the pattern it was game over.

Big Mike pulled a 7-pounder on the last morning. Best fish of the trip. We took a photo. He hasn't stopped talking about it. We'll hear about this one until next March at minimum.

31Total fish

7.1 lbsBiggest catch

3 daysDuration

CrankbaitTop lure

"Fishing is the only sport where sitting still and doing nothing is a legitimate strategy."

Unc — on the boat — 6am Saturday